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MIKE - preparing the way

Published December 8th, 2008 in advent, mike | No Comments »

love wins sign on tree

“i’m gabriel. i stand in the presence of God, and i have been sent to speak to you and tell you this good news”. (luke 1:19)

good news you say, to who?   sure,  2000 years later it’s good news to you and me, but we have the benefit of hindsight. but i’m thinking mary and joseph could have done just fine without this good news. at least in the moment.  the gospel is, of course, messy. why would life then be different than today? God does his best work in messy. He always has. it takes messy to get our attention.

parents arrange marriage. boy and girl excited. betrothal announced. celebration! wedding plans begin. someone else’s baby????

mary, bless her heart, is thrilled. she might have been naive. she was probably only 14 or 15 years old. but old joe was older, wiser and more cynical. he’s not buying this story and is ready to bail. joe’s going to flee. there are just 2 culturally acceptable options for this man of God:  expose mary to public disgrace or dismiss her quietly. but then came the dream.the angel showed him a new way. a third way. marry mary. this third way involves overcoming fear as well as considering unconventional options. there is nothing easy about this third way. if there was, the angel wouldn’t have had to reveal it. after all, there is no record in the bible where we are taught about the fight or flight method, which has become a way of life for us. this new way will come neither through our human power (fight) nor through watching the natural process unfold (flight). it will be altogether unexpected (as the pregnancy was to mary), often hidden, but revealed in “the fullness of time” (His time).

how it will be revealed to us is a mystery. God can still talk to us audibly, through angels, in dreams or in that still small voice, we hear if we take some time to be quiet and listen. make no mistake, that when it is lived out, God is in it. of course, that requires faith. mary had faith. joseph had faith. because of their faith, we have salvation. just know it will never be easy. faith isn’t easy. but as we start trying this new way and see  the results it becomes easier to step out the next time. what do we have to lose? the fight or flight hasn’t been working all that well for us. it might be time to consider a new way, the third way, Gods way.

“supplication, worship, prayer are no superstition; they are acts more real than acts of eating, drinking etc. it will be no exageration to say that they are alone real; all else is unreal.”– gandhi

“blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God” –Jesus

MIKE: living (and loving incarnately)

Published February 5th, 2008 in community, mike, spiritual formation | 2 Comments »

“the word became flesh and moved into the neighborhood…” john 1:14, the message

last week at the refuge we talked about the spiritual discipline of incarnational relationships. “in the flesh”…”the state of meat.” real flesh on flesh. life on life. it really got me thinking…

christians try to convert the atheists, parents try to convert their kids to positive ways of behavior that will make their lives much easier and fulfilling. and addicts (alcohol, drug, sex, food, control, work, codependency, money, untruthfulness….you name it) drive present addicts up the wall with their incessant preaching. let’s face it, we all have an agenda.

i’m a recovery snob. having been involved for almost 6 years in various recovery/healing groups, i see the immense benefit of working on our stuff through a 12 step program. i believe, to the point of sometimes cramming my agenda down your throat. i mean, hey, i have wisdom that i think should be imparted to you! the truth is my goal is, quite often, very noble and helpful. it is good to accept Jesus and be a Christ follower. it’s good for a child to learn to integrate into the world around him/her. it’s also good for the addict to come to grips with their brokenness and begin to heal. but i’m definitely beginning to rethink my role and my methods in this process.

a half a year ago, i was talking to one of my mentors about someone i’d known for a few years. this young lady was, in my prideful opinion, in need of my wisdom on her recovery. (a need she had never shared that she needed or desired, but i have been practicing mind reading for decades). so i decided i was going to make her a “project” of mine. (as i type these words, i break out in a cold sweat thinking i could be so full of myself and so utterly arrogant. i’m pleased to say i have asked her forgiveness, on more than one occasion, and she has responded to me with nothing but grace).

but God worked in His mysterious way, to show me what i believe to be a better way. while having the conversation with my mentor, i received a call from my friend asking me to hang out with her on that saturday. wow, i thought, this must be God’s validation that i was on the right path to fix her life. (remember the mind reading thing.) God, as usual, was on a slightly different page.

that friday night i attended a discussion with jim henderson (the founder of “off the map“) and matt casper (the friendly atheist). a christian and an atheist who were not trying to convert each other, but just be friends, love each other and discuss their beliefs. during a q&a session, a caring but misguided young pastor was arrogant enough to think he had just the right magic words to convert casper. in a gentle rebuttal, casper made a very good point. he said christians seem to know just what he needs and they are going to give it to him, even if he doesn’t want it. he went on to say that this would never work and could drive a wedge into a relationship. then he made a remark that i hope will forever change how i do relationships. he said: “if i am to be converted it will be by the power of, who you call, the Holy Spirit.”

this seemed so profound. i remember Jesus saying the Holy Spirit would draw us to God. and i remember Him saying the greatest commandment was to love God and each other. so, just maybe, it is the Holy Spirit’s job to move people’s hearts and lives and my job is to love them. encourage them. and guide them (only if they ask) on their journey. and then just see what God does.

casper’s words stirred something up in me, but by saturday morning my own sense of self had kicked back in and i was busy at work formulating a strategy. a way to manipulate my friend so i could drag her on the journey that had worked so well for me. (although, if my journey was as successful as i sometimes like to think, i would not be so controlling and manipulative, would i?). as i was driving to meet her for lunch, i had a Damascus experience. in a voice that was barely less than audible, God said to me:”weren’t you paying attention, last night, when matt explained that pushing on people isn’t the answer. just love her. be her friend. the Holy Spirit will do the rest”. so i prayed and asked God to guide my interactions with her.

that day was hard for me. so many times i had to fight the urge to “fix” my friend. we accomplished the task we needed to do in a few hours, but spent 7 hours just hanging and talking. i have a hard time with surface conversation—i love to go deep–so i had to resist pushing or prodding her to go in the direction i thought she needed to go. as we headed to the parking lot to go our separate ways, she paused before getting into her car. she started to share. really share from her heart. this wonderful sharing lasted over an hour and a half. while she shared a beautiful transformation occurr ed. in the twilight, i saw her face change, right before my eyes. it was like a veil had been lifted. the masks started to come off. both mine and hers. we had taken that next step on our journey toward healing. we were no longer people who knew each other. not just a fixer and a project. not just, even, friends. but special soul-mates on the same journey. an amazing thing has since happened. not only have i been able to speak truth and healing into her life, but she has been able to do the same for me. we have become safe for each other. one not always leading, one not always following, but walking side by side with each other. living incarnately…

over a year ago i experienced this same joy with my daughter. as we struggled with our relationship, i remember her saying: “i don’t need you to be my dad, i need you to be my friend”. puzzled by this remark i talked with a counselor i know. she said she already knows what you expect from her. you’ve been telling her for 26 years. she is struggling to be what she should be. she just wants and needs you to love her and be there for her. when i told my daughter this she said that was exactly what she desired from me. i told her i would do my best and a few months later God showed up, again. she was able to share the very hard things in her life that she had never been able to share because i was now safe for her. and again the healing has gone both ways. we have never been closer.

i believe that really a wise friend said: “if we love people, the way God loves them, they are able to let down the wall between us. and when they do we will see the beautiful person that God has always seen. the person that, sadly, most people will never see. because it takes too much time and is way too hard and messy, but oh oh so worth it”.

spiritual meat is not a bible study, words that when said will magically transform people. no, i am coming to grips with the reality that spiritual meat is life on life, in the trenches with each other, not one up, one down, but heart to heart, life to life, soul to soul. with each other, not for or to each other. that’s living & loving incarnately.

MIKE: week two of advent: why are the shepherds in the nativity scene?

Published December 10th, 2007 in advent, community, mike | 2 Comments »


when i was 12 years old i asked my grampa to help me built a nativity set. we set about collecting some old tree branches and some scraps of wood and started our project. i have set this scene up almost every year since. i went to woolworth’s and picked out the figures i would need. of course, i started with Jesus, mary and joseph. then i needed three kings, a camel and a donkey. and lastly i needed some shepherds. i had to have three, because it balanced out the 3 kings on the other side. i never knew why i needed shepherds. the kings brought gifts and Jesus, mary, and joseph surely needed to be there. but why shepherds? what was the reason for them? they didn’t do anything. or did they?

in the day of old, the shepherds were close to, if not at, the bottom of the social status, but they were the first to hear of the unique birth of Christ. these humble men who were faithful at their regular jobs–not the religious leaders or scholars–were the first humans to hear the good news. i believe there is a world of meaning in the fact that very ordinary people busy with very ordinary tasks were who God chose to first show his plan of redemption. it means that where God places us, no matter how humble or broken, is the place of our vision, the place where we will bloom. secondly, the ones whose lives are not cluttered with all the materials of life are most readily open to the mysteries of God and take the risk to step out in faith, because they have nothing to lose.

so, you might ask, what big risk did these guys take? . they overcame their fear. let’s face it, an angel coming out of nowhere or thousands of them singing praise to God would have scared the crap out of me. and what about going to tell others about a baby born in a stable who would be the son of God. there was the fear others would consider them crazy. but they went. they were somehow compelled to go. and God’s plan of redemption had another unveiling.

that’s a nice story, but does it have any application for us or was dr. luke trying to fill pages in a letter? we, like the shepherd have a story. that is all we really have to share with anyone. and ours, like theirs, comes from the messiness and brokenness of our lives. but like them we need to overcome our fear. for most of us, one of our biggest fears is the fear of being vulnerable. there is a lot of safety in keeping the brokenness and messiness of our lives to ourselves. we can take that story, share it and further the kingdom, like the shepherds did, or stay in our own pity party and let the suffering we’ve had go to waste.

this week God brought me in contact with two precious ladies who are in the midst of some major chapters in the story of their lives. one faced a life changing surgery in order to save her life from cancer. as i visited with her before surgery she shared the story of a neighbor, whose was very hard to connect with. the neighbor is old and needs help with a husband who has alzheimers. my friend recently found out this neighbor had the same surgery she was facing. my friend remarked: “God has now given me entry into my neighbor’s life, because we have both faced this same surgery. isn’t He good?”. the other lady is much younger and battling drugs and alcohol. though she still has a way to go in her fight for sobriety, she is looking forward to the day her struggles brings glory to God and healing to others. as i talked with her about her future she said something that so impressed me. she said if i never do anything with the story God has given to me it is just a story with no benefit. if i can beat this i want to be able to share with other teens so my story can make a difference in their lives. otherwise, she said it won’t count for anything.

i know many face a life that is just brutal. many times it seems hopeless. whether it be a broken relationship, no relationship, lack of money or a job, an addiction, a physical or mental condition, abuse, discrimination or anything that keeps us marginalized, God can use it to take his good news to a hurting world. this christmas season i would gently encourage all of us to take that step of faith that the shepherds did, to respond instead of be paralyzed with fear and see the glory of the Lord revealed.

MIKE - prince charming & beauty

Published July 23rd, 2007 in community, healing, mike | 2 Comments »


a while ago at the changes that heal house of refuge we discussed the metaphor of the 6 million dollar man and the tin man. one is the ideal that we all aspire to be while the other is dented, rusty and looking for his heart, his real self. we asked the questions: who do we want to be? who are we? which is more real and lovable?

recently i saw shrek 3. a cute flick about two ogres (shrek and fiona) and their battle to save “the land of happily ever after” from prince charming, sleeping beauty, cinderella and all our other fairy tale favorites. fiona is pregnant and shrek is wishing he could be more lovable and bemoaning the fact that he will be a poor father because, as an ogre, he will surely frighten his own kids. duh!! aren’t his kids going to be ogres, too? i’m thinking it would be a lot harder for them to relate to him if he were prince charming.

but i shouldn’t be too hard on old shrek, because i tend to think the same kind of goofy thoughts. i am amazed at how we set up ourselves and our kids to fail by buying into the whole fairy tale scene. the prince is always rich, handsome, well built and of course charming. the heroine is beautiful, pure, sweet, shapely, and helpless (wow is this sexist or what?). he rescues her and they live happily ever after. the villain is a mean stepmother, an ugly stepsister, a wicked witch, a troll, a giant or an ogre. notice how the hero has all pleasant traits while the villains get stuck with all the negative ones? using this standard, from the day we are born, immediately 95% of us are set up to fail. there are few charmings and beauties in the general population. life experience and negative reinforcement from family and peers leads us to internalize the fact that we aren’t good enough. we become the ogres. then, the chosen few come to believe that they have to live up to the persona that goes with their physical stature, wealth and good looks. it’s a lot of pressure, I’m guessing, a lot harder than we all realize and pretty much a lose-lose situation for all concerned.

i used to think that beauty and charming were lucky, but i am realizing they can never know if they are loved for their hearts (the real them) or just their drop dead gorgeous looks, sexy buff bodies, exotic sports cars or the magnificent castle. if we are the unfortunate that are labeled unworthy (ugly, fat, skinny, short, tall, weak, disabled, stupid, poor, not good enough, don’t have our act together…the list goes on and on) we will live our entire lives feeling “one down” always aspiring to be like the lucky one.

i have spent a lifetime trying (and i might add quite unsuccessfully) to live up to the prince charming ideal. and with my less than impressive credentials (no athletic prowess or buff physique, limited bank account and less than drop dead good looks) i have strived to win my beauty. in order to even the odds that God, society and my own poor choices have seemingly stacked against me, i put on the mask, that charming mask, and try to pretend i am better than i am. i can keep up the charade for awhile, but it is so hard to be comfortable, to be real, to live with that freaking mask in place. and trying to be “a player” seems so dishonest and gross. but without my mask the ogre in me will surely scare you away.

so here is the dilemma: be fake and have the illusion of happiness, always fearing you will find me out at any time or be real and risk rejection. hmmmm. for fifty odd years (and many have been very odd) this choice seemed like a no-brainer. but the older i get it just seems to take way too much energy to play this stupid game. after living the last few years in true community i’m convinced that beauty is not really worth fighting for. oh yes, she is alluring, lots of fun, and beautiful to look at. a trophy to impress my friends with, but just like me, with my mask on, she is not real either. not really worth pursuing. i’ve found it’s the heart that counts. mine and hers. being honest about our brokenness. embracing our messiness. living in the truth of who we are. who God thinks we are.

while prince charming and beauty pursue each other and search for “the land of happily ever after” i’m going to try to embrace my shrekness and keep an eye open for fiona as i live in real community.

MIKE: MONKEY HUNTING

Published May 29th, 2007 in healing, injustice, mike | 2 Comments »

I’m not a mighty hunter, in any sense of the word, but I do know how to catch a monkey– (1) make a hole in a fence that is just big enough for the monkey to get his closed hand through, (2) put a large piece of food behind the hole. (3) just wait a little while. The monkey will catch himself because once he has the food in his hand he will not let go of it, even if it means he is trapped.

Before we’re too quick to judge the monkey we need to think of times we have exhibited the same kinds of behavior. Drinking some poison (hemlock) in order to hurt someone who has harmed us. How about pointing a shotgun at our own heart, pulling the trigger, and hoping the recoil of the gun will somehow harm somebody we hate. My favorite is shackeling myself to the person who has hurt me the most and giving them total control of my life.

This is what unforgiveness will do.

Why would a person do such absurd things? Well, like the monkey, we aren’t willing to let something go. In the monkey’s case, it’s food. In ours, sometimes it’s revenge. Like Shakespeare said in The Merchant of Venice “we want our pound of flesh.”

Allow me to air a bit of dirty laundry. Almost 20 years ago I perceived that i had been wronged by a sister in law. We’ll call her May. Because of May I was put into the position of having to take sides, in a family feud, if I wanted to remain part of a dysfunctional family. Not having good coping skills, and armed to the teeth with self righteousness, I set out to right all the moral wrongs that had been done. “Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.” and I’m about the Lord’s business. When I was told if I didn’t want to dance the family dance I didn’t need to come to Thanksgiving dinner, I took revenge to one of the highest possible levels. For almost ten years I stayed away from ALL family functions. For over a year I kept my wife from seeing her family and my children from being around their grandparents and cousins.(You need to know this was a close knit family. We spent almost every Sunday and every single holiday you could imagine together). I proudly underlined Bible verses that gave me the right to stay away from May, but she still controlled my life. I could hear a comment that reminded me of her or see a lady that looked like her and in fifteen minutes time be so enraged that people working with me could see such a visible change in me that they told me I would have a stroke if I didn’t settle down. I remember a friend asking what was wrong with me and I told him my sister in law had really made me mad. When he asked me when I had talked to her I had to say 2 years ago. You’d think it had just happened considering how angry I was. May lead me around by the nose every day of my life.

God finally grabbed my heart when my wife, Debbie, was being taken off life support. With a hospital room full of relatives, doctors and nurses I apologized to May and asked her forgiveness. Oh the precious moments I wasted, all the happy family times with Debbie and the kids, times I can never relive. A few years ago I spent a few hours walking on a beach with my one time arch enemy, May. As we relive those ten years I again asked forgiveness for hurting her during that time. To my surprise and dismay she said, “You know I was never sure why you we mad at me, but it really never bothered me very much”. I was trapped like a slave, obsessed, and it didn’t even bother her. Wow, I guess I had really showed her.

I thought I’d learned my lesson, but a while ago someone hurt my little girl. And just like a man possessed I put the shackels of hate back on my own legs, took the food through the hole and won’t let go of it. Now I have a different captor leading me around daily—my unforgiveness toward May transferred to someone else. I’m not a rocket scientist, but I get a glimpse of sanity from time to time. In his book ” Velvet Elvis”, Rob Bell says we really know we have forgiven if we can pray for the person that hurt us and be happy when God blesses them. Knowing how that rascal God works He probably will bless them. So, I think I am getting it (I am a little slow sometimes). I know what i need to do with my captor: let him go, so I can be free. Drop the food. It’s not worth it.

But it’s just seems too hard. I’m going to have to think about this for a while. As I do I will sit here drinking this goblet of hemlock and dig out my rusty old knife and carve my pound of flesh, one ounce at a time, out of my own cold lifeless heart. Yeah that will show him how much he hurt us.

Or maybe I could……..

MIKE - Dignity

Published January 1st, 2007 in advent, church stuff, community, healing, mike | 1 Comment »

Christmas Eve at The Refuge was a glorious occasion. Each person’s name was called and we received a wrapped gift, our fourth simple gift of our December series. It contained an ornament that simply said, “Dignity”.

As a middle aged, middle class white male, I suppose I had never really thought much about the concept of dignity. Webster’s says that dignity is “the quality or state of deserving esteem or respect.” Who shouldn’t have dignity? It’s a no brainer. God is no respecter of persons. That means He has no favorites. That we are all valuable, important, worthy. So what is the big deal?.

Society doesn’t tend to think like God. Through the ages many groups have been abused, oppressed and marginalized: The poor. Minorities. The uneducated. The mentally or physically challenged. Women. The list goes on and on. Members of these groups still struggle today for equality and dignity.

As Karl taught, the Word of God again and again hammers home the truth–that we are equal, that we all have dignity. The angels didn’t announce the birth of Jesus to the rich, the learned or the religious leaders. No, it was the lowly shepherds the angels talked to. When Jesus rose from the dead, the first person he spoke to was a woman, not one of the 12 apostles. The Pharisees were not picked to be in the inner circle of Jesus. The creator of our universe picked fishermen, tax collectors, prostitutes and adultresses’. Do you think, just maybe, he was trying to tell us something, to show us a better way?

Unfortunately, many at The Refuge know all too well how it feels to be marginalized because of race, gender, educational or financial status, or maybe a physical or mental disability. I am reminded that Jesus hung out with the marginalized of his day and showed them dignity and love. And he still does. How can we do any different?

MIKE - When Your Best Just Ain’t Good Enough

Published August 17th, 2006 in healing, mike | 7 Comments »

I would certainly never be mistaken for a perfectionist, but a lazy slug I am not. I’m just me. My mom and dad never felt I was a good enough son, both for different reasons…never as smart as the Anderson girls….not an athlete like my younger brother. Just not good enough. I remember walking around Five Points trying to sell magazines to people who could barely afford to exist. I didn’t do well. My boss criticized my work ethic (kind of funny since later he got sent to prison on fraud charges). Still, the message I heard was not good enough. Never dated until after college. Why risk it? I’m not good enough. So the cycle continued. I’m almost thirty and I finally find a naïve 19 year old beauty that wants to be out of the house. She doesn’t know, yet, that I’m not good enough. I chase her down and capture her, marry her, then live 23 years trying to hide the real me so she won’t find out I’m not good enough and leave me. It’s a relationship of smoke and mirrors and masks, on my side. Ironicly, looking back, I think she would have loved the real me, but I couldn’t take that chance.

Fast forward to 8 years ago. My wife Debbie’s dead. I’m alone, again, and I’m still not good enough. My work ethic, though, is very good. Have been successful in my chosen field. (chosen because I never pursued the career I had a degree in, didn’t even try, because I knew I’d fail. I was not good enough). Have 2 teenage kids that love me, but am certainly not good enough to be their only parent. After a few years decide I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Join a singles group. According to my counselor, singles groups, arguably, are the biggest collection of dysfunctional people ever assembled in one place. Still not good enough. Find a lady as needy as I am and start the smoke and mirrors thing. Starts to crumble in a year and blows to hell in 18 months. She calls me on my stuff. I’m still not good enough. I should have known it. Maybe counseling could help? My counselor sides with her, says I’m all messed up, but he doesn’t say I’m not good enough, only broken. Says there is hope for me, if I want to work my butt off. Why not? What do I have to lose? So I jump in with both feet.

Four years of recovery and now I am part of an amazing church, The Refuge. Over the last few years, some incredible people have been telling me I am good enough. I am starting to believe it, some. Am reaching out to people. Being real. being honest. Trying so hard to be safe. Could it be that me, messed up Mike, could actually be good enough?

Ah, but here he comes roaring in like a lion. To steal, kill and destroy. The condemner of my soul. You are not only not good enough, but you are actually no good at all. And I start to believe his voice, it is so strong. So clear. And if that is not enough I feel others are thinking the same thing when I can’t be there for them the way they think I should be. Maybe my folks, my boss, the girls, the voices were right, are right. I’m not good enough.

But then a light goes on as I see some friends, wonderful friends, gifted friends, loving friends, compassionate friends (friends that the hurting would mistake for Jesus in the flesh) feeling the same way about themselves. That they are not good enough, either. It’s always easier to see the lie in the lives of others than it is in our own lives.

Then, I get a revelation from God. He is talking to my heart. Your best will never be good enough for everyone. Jesus came to this earth. Poured out His love. Sweat. Drops of blood. Cried over mankind. Gave up His life. AND IT WAS STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH, FOR SOME AND THEY KILLED HIM. And it is still that way today. So if Jesus’ best wasn’t good enough for some people, what makes you think your best could be? Just be who I made you to be. Keep trying to improve. Keep loving. Caring. Giving. Keep pouring your heart out. Keep getting messy. Being raw. Being honest and real. Being safe. Just keep showing up in the lives of others. That is the best you can do. That is all I expect. I will be there to lead you and guide you. Your best is good enough for ME.