www.blog.therefugeonline.org

Some time, more than ten years ago I was on a men’s retreat in the Rocky Mountains. This retreat was centered on Holy Communion. About one day into this retreat, I had a very special moment; “… he took the bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him…” During communion I experienced a moment, a moment like a friend called eternity within the flick of a camera’s shutter. I experienced the living Jesus.

I would like to look at the back-story to this moment.

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Blessed are those who mourn

My father was suffering from dementia and was failing in health. I was personally responsible for his care. The family business had not only lost its head we had lost our most important client to corporate reorganization. The business was failing. At home we had just suffered through a house fire that placed immense stress on my immediate family. Basically I was clinically depressed though strongly in denial. In this moment some friends at church suggested that I should go on this retreat. They took me up to the winter winds and snow of late October to a rustic retreat center at 9,500 ft. above see level and left me with a gathering of strangers. What I found with these strangers was love like I never experienced before.

Blessed are the merciful
Blessed are the pure in heart

These brothers were the most ordinary of men. Salesmen, accounts, service reps. from all sorts of church backgrounds; Methodist, Baptist, Evangelical, Greek Orthodox. What they had tasted and what they wanted to share with us newbies was simply the Kingdom of God.

Now I return to this moment with Jesus. This instant of pure joy quickly changed to an intense dark night of the soul. This must have been noticeable to all around since the lay leader and pastor came along side me as I sobbed and shook for hours into the night. The lay leader was a biker with the leather jacket. He carried a teddy bear to remind him of Jesus. The pastor had been an alcoholic who, some years previously, experienced Christ as he lay on a hospital bed hearing a nurse tell his Grandmother that he had no change of survival.  The day before, as the retreat was gathering, his wife had left a message that she was leaving him. These two and many other brothers walked with me as disciples of Jesus experiencing the indwelling of the Kingdom of God.

Why did these men serve on these retreats at great personal expense of both money and time? It was not to “save souls”. Nobody was invited to these retreats unless they were professing Christians and they had to get their pastor’s signature that they were mature Christians. Yet, these brothers came back over and over. I think once you taste the Kingdom of God it’s hard not to want more.

After my time as a newbie I was invited, by some of my brothers, to join a prison ministry based on this retreat I described above. Being in prison was some of the best times in my life. I had been invited to share in the indwelling of The Kingdom of God.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness
Blessed are the merciful
Blessed are the peacemakers

It takes about six months to train a team to go into the prison environment. While there are many practical aspects most of the time and effort is based on team building. Our friends, in the prison, are experts at detecting hidden agendas, superficial masks, and biblical superficiality. These men know the con games and, in prison; the one possession they may have is a Bible. You just don’t quote scripture because they’re likely better than you at that game. What you can bring into this environment is unconditional love for each other in complete humility and a transparent deep personal honesty.

Blessed are the meek
Blessed are the pure of heart

If a group of brothers can live in the love of Jesus this can effect the hardest of hearts. “If there is this love among you, then all will know that you are my disciples.”

All the members of the team are required to present at least one talk. While these talks are structured some space is always left for personal confession. I don’t think that the programmatic subject was ever memorable or very interesting. I presented most of these talks at one time or another and can’t remember the title of one of them. I do remember the personal stories and confessions. While all members of the outside must be respectable citizens and mature Christians, (the State does a background check on all volunteers in the prison system), we all had our stories. Mine were of past drug addiction and sexual abuse, but there were many stories of alcoholism, divorce, familial violence and much more to add to the list. It was through these stories that the team truly learned to love one another and the residents began to see something they had never seen before.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

One of my brothers added another dimension to this story. As we were talking he shared that he would never dare to tell his story to anyone in his home church. He knew he would be shunned. He asked, ‘why must I come to prison to be honest about myself’? I was very moved by this question, as was all the team. We all lived it.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

The Refuge has just ended a time of listening to stories and reflecting on the Beatitudes. They were beautiful stories from many wonderful voices. The final night was an experience of grace and love being offered and received in so many personal and lovely ways; truly an indwelling of the Kingdom of God. But, to write a wrap on the Refuge’s journey through the Beatitudes, for me, can only be a personal testimony.

Jesus was baptized and spent forty days with his Father. He then spent the rest of his time with us proclaiming the indwelling of his Father’s Kingdom both through word and deed. Jesus started this mission by giving all of us some very practical instructions on how to taste his Father’s Kingdom. They all started with the word and promise, “Blessed”.

Importantly all the beatitudes are addressed to the community. There is not an individual being blessed. I have been blessed in tasting the Kingdom, but always these blessings have come from my brothers and sisters, including residents of a prison. Even the most profoundly personal experience of Jesus was in community, celebrating the Eucharist. The very language of the beatitudes calls us into relationship.

And I conclude this essay where I started it. I’m going through a messy divorce. I have not been employed for nearly a year. I see my therapist once a week. But with all this said, by the love of my brothers and sisters, I was blessed to taste again The Kingdom of God in the faces, stories, and deeds in the Refuges’ loving closing dance honoring Jesus’ teachings that all start with the promise, “Blessed”.

God’s Peace.

we’re working on a project collecting data from a wide range of people on their experiences with “church” called “if you only knew: an experiment in listening.” our task is to give others a taste of what some people are really “thinking, feeling, dreaming, and hoping for” as it pertains to the kingdom of God here on earth as it is in heaven. we’d love to have as many people participate as possible and provide input on their experience with church, christians, and their hope for a better way.

our survey is available in pdf format here

if you want to download it in microsoft word to fill it out that way, click here

either way, just get it back to us via email at therefuge@therefugeonline.org or send it by may 1st to:
the refuge
po box 6805 – broomfield CO 80020

read the first page so you get a better sense of where we are going, the 2nd page is a lot of data that we would like to gather so we have a sense where the responses are coming from, and the survey itself, feel free to fill out as little or as much as you feel comfortable.

all responses will be confidential (use whatever name you’ve always wish you had!) and if you feel uncomfortable emailing it for some reason, feel free to just send it in. we would love to have as random and diverse of feedback as possible (think of people you know would love to have the opportunity to speak into “the church” freely and safely). we appreciate you taking the time to be part of this project.

we will keep you posted as things develop into a finished project! we are not sure exactly what it will all look like but we know we want to combine it into an artistic, integrated piece available online that will help readers listen in on the hearts of as wide and diverse of an audience as possible. questions, feel free to email us.

we’re listening.

the desert is one of the nastiest places to get lost without food and water. the heat, the elements, the lack of water can be deadly if you’re out there for an extended time, unexpectedly. there’s really nothing pleasant about it–exposed to sun, wind, intense heat, predators, without shade or shelter. while a lot of us may not have ever been stuck in a physical desert, my guess is a lot of us have been stuck in a spiritual one. out in the desert, alone, exhausted, seeking water & shelter and finding none. wondering “when am i going to be rescued? when is God going to show up? when will i even get just a small sip of water, a sign from God, a flutter in my heart, something, that will carry me a little longer?” the spiritual desert is one of the worst places to be because it’s so confusing. if God is so good, then why is he absent? i am showing up, trying to be present, doing my part, and nothing’s changing. what happened? what did i do wrong? how come other people are experiencing God’s love, hope, spirit at work, and i’ve got nothing?

there are no good answers to these questions, really. i don’t understand the desert, either. i have been there myself. seasons where i just don’t feel God the way i used to, the way i long to. i strain and strain to see but everywhere i look i just don’t see what i was hoping for. i begin to question my faith. doubt God. shake my fist at God. ponder just throwing in the towel.

in evangelical christianity, the desert experience sometimes can feel like it has “something to do with us.” if we pray more, serve more, memorize more, get out of ourselves more, anything “more” we’ll “get back on track with God again” and out of the desert quickly. i’m not discounting we play a part, but i think this philosophy creates shame. the reason we’re not feeling or experiencing God is because i’m not doing it the way i should be. i am so familiar with this feeling. when i hear someone talk about how excited they are about God, i am sometimes jealous. and then i immediately go to shame—see, i am not doing what i am supposed to be doing to “get” God. if i only i were a better Christian. it’s all so stupid, really, but i am just being honest about how messed up i got with performance-based christianity.

our spiritual fathers and mothers—christian teachers and mystics and writers over the centuries—all recognized something very powerful about the desert experience. it is part of our journey with God and places where we might learn the very most about ourselves, about Jesus. st. john of the cross, over 500 years ago, experienced what he called “the dark night of the soul”, a complete absence of God for a season. while it seems like a horrible thing in the moment, terrifying, really, this kind of spiritual desolation is looked upon by many spiritual writers as a critical piece of spiritual transformation where everything gets stripped away (all of our works, efforts, techniques) and get down to the essence—God & us. that can sound pretty lofty. maybe even just a trite idea.

but like a lot of trite things, there can be some incredible truth in the triteness.

when all is gone, nothing left, just my weird crazy self straining to see God, feel God, hear God. maybe that’s where the real action happens. but i just don’t see it in the moment. and when i don’t get it, i’m out. i’m mad. i start to walk out to the desert on purpose.

but what i’m wondering these days is if maybe some of my “desert experience” is just that my faith and connection to God has made shifts over the past years & because it’s different it feels somehow “dry” in comparison. what used to be part of our relationship isn’t anymore and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. our relationship is just….different. i still long for the days of the passionate romance where i was just so “in” to the Bible & church & the spiritual high. i’m beginning to embrace that while that was good, real, true for that season, i am just in a different season, and if i look and notice, i see and experience God’s presence still, but it’s just not quite as exciting. i’m not saying i want to settle for less.

i am saying i need to learn to see the good in what is.

meanwhile, i know a lot of us out there feel like they are in the desert. tired. holding on by a thread, wondering when God is going to show up. i don’t have any great answers like i used to, but i do know this. i think we’re supposed to stay in and keep our hearts as open as we are able to. listen for Jesus’ love in some small way you’d never imagine. how we end up experiencing Him might end up being completely contrary to how we’ve ever experienced God before. you are not alone. something bigger is always happening that we cannot see in the moment. and probably what’s been the most sustaining to me when i am lost and wandering: never underestimate what God might be saying through people. sometimes the only thing i have had to hold on to is the word of a friend, God speaking to me through a person.

God, when we’re in the desert, bring us drink. a small cup of water, something that reminds us you’re there. give us strength to hold on, to wait. bring life out of barrenness. remind us what is good. and give us eyes to see even when we’re blinded by our thirst. Amen.

when you think of mother teresa, what words come to mind? for me, i think of “poured out, deeply connected to God, amazingly humble, willing heart, in love with Jesus, filled up. sacrificial love” among many others. i am pretty sure “doubter of God”, “overwhelmed with emptiness”, or “tired of never getting His help the way she wanted” were not words i would have used to describe her. it’s sort of old news, but the recent release of mother teresa’s private letters has been rumbling around Christian & nonChristian circles in the past few months. I heard the story earlier this year, that during her decades of ministry she only had a few good weeks where she really felt it. the rest of her journey she didn’t feel God the way she longed to and experienced deep spiritual dryness that was agonizing.

here are some of the things she said to a trusted confidante:

“The more I want him — the less I am wanted”…..”Such deep longing for God — and … repulsed — empty — no faith — no love — no zeal. — [The saving of] Souls holds no attraction — Heaven means nothing — pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything.”

and in some private letters to Jesus:

Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me?….The Child of your Love — and now become as the most hated one — the one — You have thrown away as unwanted — unloved. I call, I cling, I want — and there is no One to answer — no One on Whom I can cling — no, No One. — Alone … Where is my Faith — even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness — My God — how painful is this unknown pain — I have no Faith — I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart — & make me suffer untold agony. So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them — because of the blasphemy — If there be God — please forgive me — When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven — there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. — I am told God loves me — and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart?

the question is, does this comfort you or freak you out? i think for me, it’s a combination of both. it is so comforting to know that i am not alone in the darkness, that someone far more spiritual & powerful & poured out for God than me doubted just as much (maybe even more!) than I sometimes do. when i doubt, which is often, i hear this ugly little voice in my head that says “you loser, you have been a Christian for a long time and look where it’s gotten you. if you had more faith, you wouldn’t be in such a crappy spot. if you just bore down on the scriptures & started praying harder you wouldn’t be here to begin with. you must be doing something wrong to feel so disconnected from God. what do you need to confess or pray against so the bad feeling will go away?” i could go on and on, it’s all a little psycho inside my head when this starts to happen. i think if most of us are honest, we all have these sorts of thoughts to one degree or another (i think those of us who were trained in the evangelical-think-truth-and-then-it-will-become-your-reality strains have a greater degree of shame when we doubt). or maybe i’m the only one and you are all saying behind my back “what is kathy’s problem?” (yeah, that’s my next psycho thought after the first round…)

what is interesting to me about mother teresa, one of the most revered and beloved spiritual women of this century, is that she didn’t share these thoughts publically. they were in private letters. her interior world and her outside persona were two different things. i understand and respect her dilemma, and we do not have to go around sharing all of our private moments with God with everyone we meet. at the same time, it made me wonder why she was afraid to be more honest in public—would her ministry have been questioned? would she get reprimanded by the powers that be above her and encouraged to get her spiritual act together fast? would she have lost some of her following? i have no idea and because she’s so revered i feel a little guilty even questioning any of her motives, but i guess i am just questioning why her outside & inside had to look so different?

the heartbeat of the refuge is real authenticity, our outside & our inside being integrated. that means we say some of the crazy things rattling around in our head which can sometimes be quite unsettling. and we do this even though we are pretty certain that people (especially Christians) like positives! what sells are results—10 steps to this and 8 simple ways to that. the power of positive thinking, praying, living, eating, you name it. all of these things will get you reconnected to God in no time. no one likes to focus on the negative. i don’t, either. but i do like to focus on the truth. and the truth is that sometimes i am mad, tired, and wondering when-the-hell-i-am-going-to-hear-from-God-so-i-can-feel-better. and despite my doubts, i do believe Jesus came to bring us life, real life, a depth & fulfillment in ways that are sometimes so unexplainable. but i am trying to learn to embrace that real life, real relationship doesn’t mean that i never doubt, wonder, question, get angry, or feel like walking away. in fact, ingredients of real intimacy with God (and people) include all of those things. what i like about mother teresa’s journey is that even though she doubted, questioned, shook her fist, cried out, and sometimes wanted to walk away she did actually stay in. she kept pouring her heart out to God and lived out her passion for the poor & unloved as best she could. she didn’t lay down and die. she didn’t disconnect from life & community completely. she didn’t run the other way. she stayed in.

at the refuge, sometimes it is so clear that life gets harder than we hoped. we long for the easy road, some kind of escape, a short cut, some way to feel better quick. i believe wholeheartedly that Jesus and the crazy unexplainable movement of his spirit in our lives is the answer. but i guess i am reminded today that it doesn’t come quick, it doesn’t come easy and we are in good company with the saints when we doubt, question, and aren’t feeling him like we so desperately long for. i guess what i hope for me—and for all of us—is that we keep staying in.

a while ago at the changes that heal house of refuge we discussed the metaphor of the 6 million dollar man and the tin man. one is the ideal that we all aspire to be while the other is dented, rusty and looking for his heart, his real self. we asked the questions: who do we want to be? who are we? which is more real and lovable?

recently i saw shrek 3. a cute flick about two ogres (shrek and fiona) and their battle to save “the land of happily ever after” from prince charming, sleeping beauty, cinderella and all our other fairy tale favorites. fiona is pregnant and shrek is wishing he could be more lovable and bemoaning the fact that he will be a poor father because, as an ogre, he will surely frighten his own kids. duh!! aren’t his kids going to be ogres, too? i’m thinking it would be a lot harder for them to relate to him if he were prince charming.

but i shouldn’t be too hard on old shrek, because i tend to think the same kind of goofy thoughts. i am amazed at how we set up ourselves and our kids to fail by buying into the whole fairy tale scene. the prince is always rich, handsome, well built and of course charming. the heroine is beautiful, pure, sweet, shapely, and helpless (wow is this sexist or what?). he rescues her and they live happily ever after. the villain is a mean stepmother, an ugly stepsister, a wicked witch, a troll, a giant or an ogre. notice how the hero has all pleasant traits while the villains get stuck with all the negative ones? using this standard, from the day we are born, immediately 95% of us are set up to fail. there are few charmings and beauties in the general population. life experience and negative reinforcement from family and peers leads us to internalize the fact that we aren’t good enough. we become the ogres. then, the chosen few come to believe that they have to live up to the persona that goes with their physical stature, wealth and good looks. it’s a lot of pressure, I’m guessing, a lot harder than we all realize and pretty much a lose-lose situation for all concerned.

i used to think that beauty and charming were lucky, but i am realizing they can never know if they are loved for their hearts (the real them) or just their drop dead gorgeous looks, sexy buff bodies, exotic sports cars or the magnificent castle. if we are the unfortunate that are labeled unworthy (ugly, fat, skinny, short, tall, weak, disabled, stupid, poor, not good enough, don’t have our act together…the list goes on and on) we will live our entire lives feeling “one down” always aspiring to be like the lucky one.

i have spent a lifetime trying (and i might add quite unsuccessfully) to live up to the prince charming ideal. and with my less than impressive credentials (no athletic prowess or buff physique, limited bank account and less than drop dead good looks) i have strived to win my beauty. in order to even the odds that God, society and my own poor choices have seemingly stacked against me, i put on the mask, that charming mask, and try to pretend i am better than i am. i can keep up the charade for awhile, but it is so hard to be comfortable, to be real, to live with that freaking mask in place. and trying to be “a player” seems so dishonest and gross. but without my mask the ogre in me will surely scare you away.

so here is the dilemma: be fake and have the illusion of happiness, always fearing you will find me out at any time or be real and risk rejection. hmmmm. for fifty odd years (and many have been very odd) this choice seemed like a no-brainer. but the older i get it just seems to take way too much energy to play this stupid game. after living the last few years in true community i’m convinced that beauty is not really worth fighting for. oh yes, she is alluring, lots of fun, and beautiful to look at. a trophy to impress my friends with, but just like me, with my mask on, she is not real either. not really worth pursuing. i’ve found it’s the heart that counts. mine and hers. being honest about our brokenness. embracing our messiness. living in the truth of who we are. who God thinks we are.

while prince charming and beauty pursue each other and search for “the land of happily ever after” i’m going to try to embrace my shrekness and keep an eye open for fiona as i live in real community.