Yes. Completion. I want it, I want to: reach some magic weight where my tummy begins to flatten with no ab work! To know that Stella will grow up and be nice and not hate me. To have good hair. To know that I’ve done all the right things and not missed out. To know for sure that Jesus loves me.
I think a lot of people don’t love me and sure, it may just be a matter of time before they realize the wonderfulness of me and love me, but what if they don’t? And if regular people don’t how can Jesus? How can this perfect man love this incomplete, imperfect me? This me who is hateful and jealous and petty? This me who is above all scared and fearful and who doesn’t know how to trust and believe? I don’t know. I really don’t know.
But, I’m learning some stuff. Because of relationships and community I’m learning. I’m learning that when I have the boldness to share my “crazy” then sometimes people share their “crazy” back and then, OH then, what beauty happens because now we know that we’re all crazy and God has worked a miracle and given love and friendship where once there was just surface and thin conversation. I’m learning that there is more than this search for completion. If I get out of my head and myself long enough there is a world to live in and people to love. And love. Ah, love.
“Therefore I am going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her…Then she will sing as in the days of her youth…I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion…In that day I will respond, I will respond to the skies, and they will respond to the earth; and the earth will respond to the grain, the new wine and oil…I will plant her for myself in the land; I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one.’”
Maybe if I’m crazy enough I too, will be allured and where once I was not loved then I will be shown love. Love with justice. Love with compassion. Complete love.
October 24th, 2007 at 10:01 am
thanks christa. love the verse from hosea. i say i want to be pursued but then sometimes i really don’t because it means i might have to let love in. God’s love in. other people’s love in. i sometimes can but other times there’s this wall inside that says “no, it’s all too crazy, too much to receive.” yet that was always the craziness of Jesus–that he loves the unlovely, the unworthy, the one who keeps running from the thing she really needs until his crazy radical touch gets a hold and maybe, just maybe she can receive it… i really do want to be a person who can receive Jesus’ crazy love & pass it on.